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Zebra in the Supermarket

Priced to Move!

H.M.S. Heartrender

Captain Darren closed the spyglass: No use going through the inlet if nobody was watching him do it. Even if they somehow saw the ship, there was no guarantee they would open fire. No, he needed something else to gain their attention. He looked to the east, the sun was about to rise. It was now or never.

He lit his pipe then dropped the match to the wooden deck hoping something would spark, but the oak on the old ship had been worn too well, and besides that, the wind was ripping its way off the coastline and right across the quarterdeck. Instead he stamped it out with his boot.

He looked into the darkness again. They had her. They had her somewhere inside that inky night, he knew it. He just had to get them to expose their passageway and he would drive the H.M.S. Heartrender through their hidden passages and park it on their doorstep.

He could still hear her song calling to him through the night sky and even though he knew it was a siren song that called him to his death, he did not care. He felt obliged to get her back since he was the one who found her. Besides, these days, nobody believed in mermaidens any more. Aye, except for he. 

He lit another match and this time instead of dropping it to the deck. He held it to the canvas sail, which took its flame easily and spread it across the Heartrender, fire reflecting off the water as the sun rose over Isla Nebula.

On the Delaware

The New Hire

The Lantern

The window lights a corner throwing off a misty glow.

The hearth is burning kindling like it's putting on a show.

The winter sun is westering and shadows start to grow.

The stars are slowly dancing through their ever present treks.

The fireflies: undoubtedly the prettiest insects.

The northern lights are lovely. The moon? It just reflects.

The lightning flashes fiercely turning giant into elf.

The candle seems contented as it flickers on the shelf.

The lantern's creaking cooly. It illuminates itself.

All The King's Horses

Cybernine 11

You grimace and look down at your back left paw. Much as you suspected it's been completely shredded by the wave-spread bullets. Cautiously you take a few padded steps forward. There's a slight limp, but you can deal with it. You override the pain receptors on your right quadrant, but remain concerned about the efficiency grid that continues to drop. 

You take a brief second to shake the tension out of the biological aspects of your body then take a sniff around. One of your comrades lies on his side, you sniff him just to make sure, but you're pretty sure he'll live. And if not, they'll at least be able to patch and reboot him.

Next you turn your attention to a nearby tree, one of the bullets is lodged inside. Using your powerful jaw, you chew into the tree until you are able to lick the bullet out of the trunk. It falls to the ground and you immediately snap it back up, swallowing it. Hopefully the forensic nanobots in your stomach will be able to find something and send a report to your conscious mind about where to look next. 

The rest of the Cybernines are gone, still trailing the suspect, but you're not quite sure which way they've gone. No news from the nanobots yet, at least not consciously. So even though it's a little more primal than what you're used to dealing with, you sniff the air and howl, something you've not done since they modified your genes. You feel a little bad about it, but hey you're still a dog underneath all the engineering. What do they expect?

The Outlaw and the Sheriff

Twas faer the day in the city streets.

The sun be standing tall.
The shadows turned to nothyngness.
The crowe begaen to call.

Yon Sheriff sat astride his horse
And watched the village clock.
The short hand pointed straight at twelve,
The long hand back a knock.

And as the bells begaen to toll
His attention he did turn
Up the trail to the edge of towne
Where the dust begaen to churn.

The Outlaw came a-walking
With his hat pulled ‘cross his eyes.
His long grine coat hid weapons.
In his hand, a bag of lies.

“I’m come for ye, daer Sherriff,”
becried the bonny gent.
“To visit out my justice
And to force thee to repent.”

“This golde ye tore asunder
from the people of this towne.
I take it back in their good name
And spit upon the crowne.”

The Sherriff nodded wearily
And yea did he dismount
To meet the Outlaw faece to faece
And start the bloody count.

Twenty paces parted them.
Their weapons they held slack—
The Sherriff’s from his saddlebag
The Outlaw’s from his back.

Across the street of Nottinghym
They watched each other’s gaze.
Will he draw first and smite me down?
Will I in glory blaze?

And seemingly together
Lo, they both raised up their bows.
They quickly notched an arrow,
Drew it back and let it go.

But while the Sherriff’s aim was close,
He struck the bag of golde.
Twas Robyn’s arrow straight and true
That pierced the Sheriff’s fold.

And on that day there rose a cheer
That passed from fact to lore.
Of the hero who doth rob the rich
To feed the graetful poor.

Sliced Bread

Danger Burger

The Emerald City Responds

Tom Sawyer in the Garden of Eden

A Tiger For Tea

Furthermore, it was not I who let the tiger inside, so I don’t really think I should be the one who’s to blame. No, as a matter of fact, it was my uncle who actually opened the door. But of course, once the tiger WAS inside. I admit that I was the one that invited it to stay for tea. I mean, I’ve never had a tiger over for tea before and I thought this opportunity might not come again. Even still, I wasn’t sure that the tiger would accept my invitation. So when it purred a genial “yes,” I must admit that I was overjoyed. 

The one weakness of tigers it seems is hospitality.

Oh, we talked about many things. That you can be sure of, but one thing the tiger kept coming back to time and time again was how certain he was that things would turn out well for Lois and Dan (my next-door neighbors who were having a bit of trouble). It seems that tigers are very sensitive to that sort of thing.

As the evening wore on, the conversation ranged far and wide. We talked about how excited we were about the upcoming year. How we much preferred the dry British humor to the wacky American style. He talked with great intelligence about literature and fine wine and fine art and opera.

When it got late, he excused himself and vanished back into the jungle. I thought nothing of it for many years, until one day when I woke up to find, my original oil paintings mauled and my collection of fine wine completely stolen and dragged mercilessly into the jungle. 

Misunderstandings

"No, Steve. I said to wear a biking helmet."

In The Land of Sand

In The Land of Sand

There's a paper man,

And he's blown by the breeze

Wheresoever he desires.

In The Land of Black

There's a lumberjack,

And he chops down trees

Counteracting forest fires.

In The Land of Flight

There's a royal knight,

And he sails the seas

With his multitude of squires.

In The Land of Love

There's an ivory dove,

And it sings the reprise

In the holiest of choirs.

In The Land of Dust

There's a marble bust, 

And it makes its decrees

On the punishment of liars.

In The Land of Fog

There's a motley dog,

And it flies the trapeze

Using polyphonic wires.

In The Land of Sand

There's a paper man,

And he's blown by the breeze

Wheresoever he desires.

The Marble Jaw - Concept Poster

The Roc

Orin was now completely flummoxed. He had tried to do the double knot that Master Georg had taught him and had created, instead, a tangled mess. Unfortunately, he had bitten off all his fingernails the night before in anticipation of today’s test so the rope was proving even harder than usual to untie. Finally, even though the whole royal court was watching, including the princess, he had to resort to using his teeth, succeeding in working the knot loose just in time to dive out of the way of the giant bird’s talon which was clearly aiming for ripping his heart out.

The downside of diving away from certain death is that usually one ends up with a mouthful of stadium sand. The upside is that you don’t usually die. Today was no exception. As he coughed up the sand, Orin noticed that the bird had in fact drawn blood, though just on his shoulder, where he could both successfully ignore it, and more importantly, look good while doing so.

He saw the shadow turn on the ground and rightly assumed the bird was coming around for another pass. He crouched low and reworked the rope, this time tying the knot correctly. As the giant bird flew toward him, Orin braced himself for the impact.

The bird’s talons scraped into the ground sending up clouds of sand and the crowd gasped as the Roc’s wings blocked their view. The great bird clutched Orin in its claws and took to the air once more. One thing that it did not notice is that Orin had slipped the rope around its leg and pegged the rope to the ground.

The Roc only got so far before the line went taut and it fell to the earth surprised. Luckily it had dropped Orin who was now in the process of getting the saddle ready. After that it was just a matter of stealth as he adjusted the belts and buckles to the bird. Finally, he drew his father’s sword and cut the rope sending the bird skyward with a screech. He could hear the roar of the crowd as he looked down from the back of the bird, wind blowing through his hair. He caught sight of the shining yellow hair of the princess as he flew away to thunderous applause.

“After all that,” thought Orin. "She’s still talking and laughing at the stupid count Drummond’s jokes." He sheathed his sword and turned the bird towards the west.

Perspective

"Wow! From up here everybody looks a lot like ... Well, me actually."

I Have Heard the Trumpet

I have heard the trumpet as it called me in,

Calmed the killers in the lion’s den,

Whispered secrets to the wind.

Spied the cat behind the Cheshire grin.

 

I have sailed solo through the stars,

Sliced my way through prison bars,

Jailed dreams in mason jars,

The struggle left unsightly scars.

 

I have seen myself through others’ eyes.

Buried truths behind my lies.

Saw angels fall through scarlet skies.

Seen heroes fall and villains rise.

 

I have climbed the highest mountain’s peak.

Fetched the feather from the raptor’s beak.

Struggled boldly week-by-week.

But have not found the thing I seek.

 

 

Early Pyramid Schemes

"If you find someone who will donate two bricks, and I find someone who will supply two bricks, and those two people find two more people each ... Why, we'll have our own tomb in no time!"

Undercard

Now, I put my pants on one leg at a time. Just like any other cold-blooded American male. I brush my teeth at night. And I brush ‘em again when I get up in the morning. I comb my hair with the part to the right, but I shave with a butcher knife and I punish my body for a half-hour every morning. Up and down the stairs in the stadium. I do 500 sit-ups and 200 push-ups every day so that if for some reason my opponent happens to make a lucky swing, I can take it. 

And even though I saw it coming, it was hard to take that one punch. It came in fast, curling down toward my right eye.  Ol’ Hardy had to be at least six-foot-five, which was rare in those days. So there was a lot of gravity coming at me. I didn’t fall, but it rung my bell sure enough. It was then that I saw her.

I wasn’t even sure if she was real at that point. You know how some people see stars or how they claim the background spins? I might be getting the terminology a little wrong, but I’m pretty sure what I saw was, or at the very least, used to be called: a pixie. Though she insists on being called a “sprite” and is constantly correcting me.

She hovered just over Hardy’s shoulder when that blow came down. I don’t think she was expecting me to see her there, because she immediately blushed and fluttered away into the darkness behind the flash-pop-fizz of the cameras, but I’ll never forget her. A little over three inches tall and glowing blue. Sometimes even though things have changed so drastically since then, I still think about her as frozen in time. Pink wings glowing blue, just over Darren Hardy’s shoulder right after I took his left hook to my right eye; right before I returned him an uppercut and sent him to the ground; right before I took the undercard bout on the fourteenth of December in the frigid winter of 1933.